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Leigh Finan
Apr 19

Does anyone comment on these??

3 comments

I'm 37 years old. I was told at 35 that my eggs are "no good" and we should look into egg donors or adoption at this point. What people dont seem to talk about in real life, or on these things, is HOW MUCH THAT COSTS.... for us "childless" people, adoption cost realistically, around $30,000, egg donership even more. That's if you can fathom birthing a child that may have some of your husband's characteristics, but none of yours (unless acquired by nurture vs. nature). So, let's say, as I did, that you choose to stay out of some pretty serious debt (as, I'm assuming, if you're in this forum, most of us have an original loan to try to get pregnant to begin with.)

It's important to note that I dont feel that I'm bitter about my situation any longer, though, so far, in this post it may seem that I am. I just have a big problem with how women our age throw out the old "How many kids do you have?" question, as if it's only possible that you have at least one, if not more by this age. They ask this question as if they truly want the answer. When I say none... they ALWAYS ask a follow-up question, of "Why not?", again, as if they want the answer... to those of us that must answer or attempt to answer this question, it's a decision... do I want this person to pity me, or disdain me. If you say (even though it has taken you YEARS of therapy and anti depression medication) that you just don't feel that it's in God's plan for you and that your husband and you have decided not to have them, they look at you as if you are going against the very reason for your existence, (as if you dont ALREADY feel that way). Or you could go the " We tried, and God blessed me with many things, and children was not one of them." This always seems to lead to a pathetic, as empathetic as they can muster face that says, " You poor, poor, sad, pitiful soul, whatever will you do with your life?". The question you've asked yourself every moment since then... Am I the only one who feels this way?

 

 

Penelope
May 12

Hi Leigh, you are definitely NOT the only one who feels this way. I am 43 and am plagued with these instances all the time. You can only muster so much to respond with class and poise, but then at some point you could break and go off on an unsuspecting, well-intentioned, ignorant person who "just wants the best for you" or "wants you to be TRULY happy". This has been a hard pill to swallow for me. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am still bitter. I found this forum as a result of my heart being poured out to God this morning. Through prayer, he showed me that I still need to figure out how to find joy in my life now instead of longing for how I always pictured it to be. I don't know how to do that. This is the first of probably many more searches for helpful resources for living a childless life in a world that glamorizes and expects motherhood.

bri92122
Jul 12

You are definitely not the only one. I'm an educator, and I swear every single colleague has asked me (more than once, because they forget) if I have kids. It's so awkward and painful trying to figure out how to respond without explaining my whole damn life story. Some of the most helpful advice I read on that topic came from a book called "Life Without Baby" by Lisa Manterfield. She gives a whole list of possible responses, some of which help you to shut the conversation down (which might be what you want that day, or with that particularly annoying person), and some of which help you to steer it in a different direction ("No, but you do, right?"). As for figuring out what to do next with your life, I cannot recommend "The Next Happy" (Tracey Cleantis) highly enough. I think you'd really relate to her story.

Lois Neilson
Oct 19

No you're NOT. I've gotten this question so many times and I've said similar "no we weren't blessed that way" and leave it at that...but you just know even if they don't say anything, they are feeling sorry for you...and it's awkward. For years I went thru this stabbing pain. Now it's more like a toothache that never goes away as my friends now boast and Facebook their grandchildren. I wish I could say it goes away but honestly I've often just felt like an alien in a child centered world...even in church where honestly it can be even more painful especially on Mother's day. I will say I've done some things that have helped...being a PlayPal in a homeless shelter, teaching Sunday school to toddlers, being involved in a child 's life who has lost her parents thru drugs and a sudden heart attack...some of these kinds if things will prayerfully help you. Just talking about this with others here is helping me today...just knowing we're not alone in this.

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