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jay-ne88
May 12

Child free in Ur 20s-30s is a struggle

2 comments

Being the only child-free out of literally all my friends is so hard. I love my friends but wish I had some like myself that I can relate to. I thought once I got to my 30s people would slow down having kids but have gone on to have more 🤦‍♀️. Babies and toddlers in particular make me uncomfortable so I struggle being around my friends with their kids present .Sometimes I feel left out within groups of friends between me and my husband not purposely but because they all have kids around the same ages they are all bonded better because of it. My husband being indian loves kids wants them and says things like whats life going to be without kids? this makes me very depressed. I have given him the option so many times over the last 8 years to leave N marry someone who does want kids but he won't . I can't change how I am and I wouldn't and couldn't make a good mother.

neofelis.nebulosa
May 13

Hey, a warm welcome to you!

Maybe your heart is already a bit lighter, after you just "wrote out loud" how you are feeling with your situation. I hope it is.

I am always either saddened or enraged, depending on the day, when I read how women's decisions are questioned or when they struggle too much to live happily with their decisions. For me the only way to get along with everybody around me wanting or having children is acceptance: I will never change them but they will not change me either. Being childfree often is about keeping calm, doing nothing, staying silent, accepting yourself and accepting others, letting sadness and anger roll by. But you say, you feel depressed, about what your husband tells you. I think a relationship or marriage should never make people feel that way. It is never easy to live together neither can one always be happy together, but why do we share our lives with others? Don't we want to mutually bring to life our very best selves? How would you imagine a marriage where everybody can thrive? There are a lot of things to be accepted, when living together, no doubt, but isn't a relationship about growing -- larger than one could grow for him or herself alone? Why does your husband not want to leave you, and why do you not want to leave him? Why are you two together? I guess one needs more than acceptance. Such as: finding out according to which values you want to live, identifying the obstacles on the way, discussing and fighting with your companion, wether the desired life can be achieved together, or one is better off without the other, or with someone else.

I have developped certain non negotiable values, too important (to my understanding of myself and a meaningful and just life) to be given up. One of these: childfreeness. I might discuss them, when in the mood, but never let anyone attack me for having them. (To be fair, with some people almost any discussion is futile, so I don't bother. I do not need their sympathy nor their judgement in my life.) I am convinced, that this does not make one stubborn, intolerant, selfish, and the like, but an authentic human being. I have become much less depressed over the years and my life is better than ever before, since I learned (and this was often painful) that one of the most important things (perhaps the most important thing) in life is to be at peace with yourself.

 

Kind regards

N.N.

jay-ne88
May 14

I don't really have so much people questioning me about not having kids or judging I guess because I also physically can't aswell having had a hysterectomy for severe endometriosis. I just feel like I'm at an awkward age where I'm constantly surrounded by everyone having babies and since my husband is surrounded too him loving kids makes it hard he doesn't say things purposely to upset me and he really doesn't need to say anything at all I can just see when we go to parties or whatever how He just adores them. He always tells me he loves me too much and he doesn't have any hard feelings about not having kids but I can tell it's something he really wants. I just hope that once I get older this phase will pass.

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