I'm a 31 year old woman and I've been bottling all this up inside for so many years and had no one to talk to about choosing childfree or what I think about it. I am so thankful I can finally vent!
Being in your 30s is one of the WORST times for someone to try to convince and almost force you to have kids...its so aweful I tell you, like torture to me. I HATE when people feel sorry for you too and think you're gonna be lonely. Lmao I actually looove being alone anyways. I'm an introvert after all, the less people the less stress and bullshit. Anyways I prefer the company of animals aka pets. They will always love you unconditionally: ) I'm a highly independent individual, I dont need others help. The ones who always need people for everything and are scared of being alone are fkin weak minded.
I'm in my early 40s and I never wanted children because I believe it's cruel to bring a child in this world with the way it's going. I've had bfs who wanted children and we all ended up parting because I always said no. I look around me and see guys not being able to see their kids the mums want more n more money. The list is endless. I was told I'm selfish for not wanting children and that a women was created to give birth. Haha yeh I don't think so. I love my neices but I refuse to have children. I've lost my friends because of it and everytime a children conversation comes up, they say I don't understand and I don't have bills hahaha wtf. We all hve bills us women who don't hve children because we don't want to. We are the smart ones and no we won't be alone.
Yes dont let those people bring you down! The smartest women like us choose NOT to have kids because we know theres wayyy more negatives than positives. We actually think with our brain alot unlike most women who are dumber than shit and just cave in to society pressure, friends or their mom. Lol I could care less and I'll just say a big FUCK YOU if someone is pressuring me. So damn annoying. So that's awesome you stood up for yourself and did what YOU wanted. That's most important.
Hello ... I am also so happy to have found this forum. So happy in fact, it actually brought tears to my eyes! I am 52 years old and have been happily married to a great guy for 26 years. Growing up, as a female, I always assumed I would have kids. It's just what women do, right? But when we got married, I knew I wasn't ready and neither was my husband so we decided to wait and just enjoy married life for a while first. I can remember people even at our wedding asking us when we thought we would have kids. I would always tell people that we just weren't ready yet. After a few years and still not feeling ready, it became clear to me that I didn't want to have kids and neither did my husband. When I felt comfortable enough telling people that, the reaction was always the same - "Oh, of course you do!" and when it became obvious to people that we were in fact, not going to have any, people just assumed that either my husband was the one who didn't want children, or that there was some reason that one or both of us couldn't have any. They just couldn't understand that it was our choice and to this day, we have never regretted that choice. But a recent situation has made me realize just how much pressure society can put on people, especially women, about having kids. About 7 months ago, we learned that prior to our meeting, my husband had a brief relationship with a woman who, unbeknownst to him when they parted ways, became pregnant. She gave birth to a girl and put her up for adoption at birth. She was raised by a good and loving family and after having her own child, decided to pursue her biological parents and as a result of that pursuit, contacted us. When we told family and friends, they all reacted as if this was the greatest news they had heard and were so happy for us. I felt a lot of things but happy was not one of them. It was weird, awkward, uncomfortable and there were times I even felt somewhat lonely. We were both on the same "team," the team of people who don't have kids, and now I'm on that team all by myself. Fortunately, he has been very understanding of how difficult this has been for me, as it has been hard for him as well. There are always reminders, whether it's Mothers, Fathers or Daughters Day, or posts on Facebook, or comments from people who mean well but are not always sensitive to what they say. I have heard everything from, "I don't understand why you're upset," to "I'm jealous, I want a grandchild!" Really? Is it so hard to understanding why it would be at all upsetting to find out your husband has a kid? And no, I don't want grandchildren because I didn't want children in the first place! I've even had people say that maybe I'm upset by this because really, deep down, I did want to have a baby, as if I'm not capable of realizing what I want and don't want. Though I don't like the situation, I do accept it because it is our reality but what has made it even more difficult is that she doesn't really want a relationship with us. She has a family and was merely just curious about who her biological parents were. When this really became overwhelmingly difficult to deal with, I told myself that it would be worth it because we would eventually have a nice relationship with her - not a traditional 'father-daughter' type relationship, but something nice and now it doesn't seem like that will be the case. I'm fine with that because I didn't want this to begin with, but it does make me wonder what this has all been for then. Anyway, it is really nice to know that there are other people out there who do understand how I feel and I'm grateful to have found them here. Thank you.
You have been married for 26 years and both of you are happy not having children that's part is awesome news, it shows how strong the two of you are together, it's good that his kid wanted to see her dad, but sad that she still goes her own way, but that is what happens even though it seems strange. But my sister also went looking for her real dad and meet him, but after that she didn't see him again because she had a parent she grow up with. Anyway it's just great that you are both happy not to have children together in this screwed up world. But life is what you make it.
Thanks debrakelly20. This 'surprise kid' thing just continues to be so difficult. I told my husband recently that I feel like the losing contestant on a game show. He and the daughter at least both got something out of this ... he got what he got 32 years ago with her mother, and she got the missing puzzle piece she was looking for. All I get is a lifetime of awkward, uncomfortable moments that drive me crazy and never seem to give me a break. This has changed everything for me and I don't think anyone really realizes that, including my husband. For example, we always had these little jokes between us about not having kids and being happy about it that are now awkward and uncomfortable. Whenever there is something on t.v. about pregnancy, giving birth, adoption, someone getting knocked up, etc., it's awkward and uncomfortable. Recently, I wanted to post something on Facebook about the fact that having a baby is not the only criteria for which a woman should be judged, but I know she will see it and that would be weird so I don't post it because that would be awkward and uncomfortable. Though we haven't met her husband, her 3 year old son or anyone else in her family (her choice), the few times she's reached out to us, she refers to herself as our 'favorite daughter' or a 'surprise child.' My husband has said that he's nothing more than a sperm donor. Well if he's just a sperm donor, wouldn't that make her just a fertilized egg? How can she be a 'favorite daughter' if she's not interested in really having any relationship with him? You can't be a daughter without a father. I know that this is weird for her too and she's just trying to be cute but I wonder how it would be if we referred to him as her 'dad' or her "real" father (the man who raised her, her adoptive father, is deceased)? I don't think she would like that very much.... it's awkward and uncomfortable. We've had only a few interactions with her since meeting her, one was a text she sent us of a picture of her son. No words, just a picture which seems weird because she doesn't want us to meet her son. He and I had a whole discussion on how to react (i.e., who should respond? what should we say? should we both respond?). He ended up responding and saying how cute he is but now my husband wonders if she will mention the fact that I didn't respond if he runs into her in the grocery store (I highly doubt it) ... awkward and uncomfortable. This has changed things like my love of genealogy. I've been doing research for years but she found him and us through a popular genealogy website's DNA testing and as a result of that and the fact that she and the genealogist that helped her on on there, I've lost interest. It has changed relationships such as my relationship with my sister in law (she was one of the people who early on said she couldn't understand why I was so upset by this) because I don't feel like she really understands; it's changed my relationship with a therapist that I have gone to talk to from time to time for several years (also someone who thought this was wonderful news and didn't understand how I felt), and it has even, for reasons I can't even explain, changed my relationship with my deceased brother in law. She said to me in one of her emails to me before we met her that for her, nothing has changed but for us, everything has and she was spot on. This has impacted every aspect of my life. My husband thinks that eventually we won't have any contact with her at all, not intentionally, just as a result of her growing bored with the whole situation. But for me, nothing will ever be the same.
zengac1 I can say I no what your going through their because I haven't gone through it, I could only try understand which would also probably make myself feel uncomfortable also, the best thing you could try do is try find someone who has been through the same thing as you, not saying it would help because it probably wouldn't but worth a try.
It does seem very strange and maybe your husband is right, eventually she will have no contact with any of you, maybe she will get bored with the idea and just not care, but still very awkward moments in the mean time, but your husband does love you, and as most of us women no, not all men think as much as us women, so maybe to him, things between the both of you are still just as great as they have always been. Maybe your therapist you speak to now and than can find a way to make you feel better, but really only you no how you feel and yeah it would hurt but you have your husband and it seems he would be just as happy without contact of her as its not something he wanted either. It's so hard to tell of course I don't no either of you. But I'm sure things will work out. It's just a shame you don't no someone who has gone through the same thing you and your husband have. If it happened to me. I'd probably feel the same way I'm sure but I'd be worst because most young ones are all about them and think they no everything and are better than us older people. I work with enough of them. So this kind of thing happening to you would really turn me off but, I'd still try my best not to let things change with the husband. Because it seems you have it pretty good. Just trying to not let it bother you much would be the hardest part of all. Even when you can't say what you want on fb. Just take her off than. I no it would be awkward to. Its a hard one.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I know you are right that things will be okay and I am very lucky because my husband really is a good guy. Sometimes it helps to just let things out and I thank you for letting me do just that! :-)
I agree with the previous comment. It sounds like she was just curious. And the fact that she is an adult means your lifestyle with your husband is not in danger of being forced to change. It would be much different if she was still a kid. It is ignorant for people to think you got upset bc maybe you always wanted kids, blah, blah, blah. You have so many years with your husband that even if technically now you both are not childless, it's as close to that as it could be. So a little inside joke changed? Maybe someday you will have a new joke about this. In your husband's mind, this unknown detail is not going to undo your life together. I know it was nice to have a guy who felt the same as you, but you still have that, right? Your therapist sounds ignorant though, was he/she even listening to you? Bc surely you mentioned you two were very happy to not have kids and to comment that it is a wonderful thing to find out is a bit inappropriate. I don't think I would want to go back for more therapy if for years he/she had been thinking you should think having kids is wonderful for everyone.
32 yr old childfree women here. I totally agree with you, people automatically assume you can't have kids if you don't have them at this age. How dare a women not want kids ! I'm sick of it ! I'm sick of everyone talking about their kids non stop like I give a shit about them and showing me videos and pictures of them. Every women my age I know has kids, all my old friends who I no longer bother with have them. I've been with my partner 11 years and never want kids, it's not like the planet needs more of me on it either ! Why do people think it needs multiple more of themselves on it ? 🤦🏼♀️