Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin to write out my thoughts because they are so complex that I don’t understand them. I’m 29, going to be 30 in 4 months and I find myself praying for the years to pass so people finally stop asking me when I will have children. I am getting married this summer to a man who has been on the same page in regards to children since day one, it’s not our thing and I am so grateful to have found someone who sees the same future as I do.
I am struggling though.... almost all of my best friends who have been my friends the majority of my life have children and I feel like I am being left out of this “club” that all women are supposed to be in. Just yesterday at my friend house we were all there for a pool day and all of a sudden I realize that there are 3 babies that are 3 months old and few old enough to be running around. I see how happy my friends are and how in love they are with their children and it makes me so happy for them but internally I’m asking myself why I don’t want this life that is so beautiful. Its the life women are supposed to want and that our parents dream of for us. It’s supposed to be this internally yearning for motherhood. Why dont I feel that? So then I drown my confusion in an entire bottle of wine and try to talk myself into it. It’s literally the worst case of FOMO- fear of missing out.
I also feel a great deal of guilt for not wanting to have a child when there are so many women who do and their bodies won’t let them. I am young and healthy, I have the ability but I choose not to use it. I did try to donate my eggs a few years back and was denied due to family health history which was devestating to me because I wanted to contribute to people who had the desire for children. I also feel guilty for now giving my parents or in-laws the grandchildren they so badly yearn for. They have given so much I almost feel like it’s owed to them.
I sit back and wonder if I will regret it one day and everyone seems to want to remind me that it’s a possibility with their constant interrogation. Who will take care of you when you’re old? Don’t you want that unconditional love? It’s the most beautiful thing and gives your life purpose, don’t you want that? At the end of the day, I know that I am choosing what’s best for me and the reasons why are not anyone’s business. This is a choice that doesn’t come easy and I am so glad I found this forum!!
Welcome to the forum! We're glad to have you here. Thanks for posting all of this; I think there might be a few things I can contribute.
1. Same! Almost everyone here has felt all of the things you're feeling.
2. Your friends are not as happy with their lives as you think they are. No one is. I know motherhood seems like an exclusive club, but it's not. Sure, the babies might be adorable and yes, mothers love them, but there's even more you don't see: sleepless nights, spit-up, tantrums, etc. It's nowhere near as beautiful as it looks.
3. You don't have children for other people, you have them for you. You don't have them for your friends. You don't have them for your parents. You don't have them for your spouse. You have them because you want them. If you don't want them, then you shouldn't have them.
4. Your guilt is unwarranted. Yes, many women want children, but are physically unable to do so. This is not your problem. You having a baby will not cure another woman's infertility. It makes no sense for you to have a baby because someone else can't.
As for your parents and in-laws, they are not "owed" anything. They are not entitled to grandchildren just because they want them. They are not owed grandchildren just because they had you or your fiance. Again, you don't have children for other people, you have them for you.
5. FOMO might be real, but it's rarely a good excuse to make a permanent life change. Truthfully, everyone is missing out on something. Parents give up so much to have children: income, free time, careers, travel, sleep. To look at parents and say they "have it all" is completely asinine.
The bad news is that society is going to keep pressuring you to breed. The good news is that you found this forum. You're now part of a group of women who know your struggle. This forum is full of women from all walks of life and we're all glad you found us.
I have never understood all the questions that invariably come with the subject of children. I have always found them to be very offensive, to be honest. "Don't you want unconditional love?" Ok, so, are children the only beings capable of giving you unconditional love? No one else can give that? And if that is the case, then how long does it last? What about when they are teens? Then, there is the classic, "who will take care of you when you are...gasp....OLD???" Ahhh....the horror!! Yeah..see, call me insane, but, should that REALLY be a determining factor in having kids? So that you will have someone to literally, pick you up and place you on and take you off the toilet, dress you, hand feed you, plop you down in front of a TV until bed time? That is assuming an awful lot. So, are your adult children going to be in a position to do all of this? Won't they have other life responsibilities? Like, work? Like, taking care of their own family? And who is to say that you yourself will live long enough to see old age? Anyone can go at anytime. So, you could have kids and then die when they are young. There is SO much more to it than people realize.