Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin to write out my thoughts because they are so complex that I don’t understand them. I’m 29, going to be 30 in 4 months and I find myself praying for the years to pass so people finally stop asking me when I will have children. I am getting married this summer to a man who has been on the same page in regards to children since day one, it’s not our thing and I am so grateful to have found someone who sees the same future as I do.
I am struggling though.... almost all of my best friends who have been my friends the majority of my life have children and I feel like I am being left out of this “club” that all women are supposed to be in. Just yesterday at my friend house we were all there for a pool day and all of a sudden I realize that there are 3 babies that are 3 months old and few old enough to be running around. I see how happy my friends are and how in love they are with their children and it makes me so happy for them but internally I’m asking myself why I don’t want this life that is so beautiful. Its the life women are supposed to want and that our parents dream of for us. It’s supposed to be this internally yearning for motherhood. Why dont I feel that? So then I drown my confusion in an entire bottle of wine and try to talk myself into it. It’s literally the worst case of FOMO- fear of missing out.
I also feel a great deal of guilt for not wanting to have a child when there are so many women who do and their bodies won’t let them. I am young and healthy, I have the ability but I choose not to use it. I did try to donate my eggs a few years back and was denied due to family health history which was devestating to me because I wanted to contribute to people who had the desire for children. I also feel guilty for now giving my parents or in-laws the grandchildren they so badly yearn for. They have given so much I almost feel like it’s owed to them.
I sit back and wonder if I will regret it one day and everyone seems to want to remind me that it’s a possibility with their constant interrogation. Who will take care of you when you’re old? Don’t you want that unconditional love? It’s the most beautiful thing and gives your life purpose, don’t you want that? At the end of the day, I know that I am choosing what’s best for me and the reasons why are not anyone’s business. This is a choice that doesn’t come easy and I am so glad I found this forum!!